he read my journal.

and while i was away he messaged me saying "i ment what i said and i regret nothing."

and then he got offline with a note that he wont be back for a while.

well fuck it. I dont care if he's going to read this or not, it's time for me to fess up.

let's rewind to the begining of the summer. I spent the summer with them, pretending i didnt care, and pretending that it was other people that i was into.

I even tried to convince myself that i was into the others instead.

The fact is, his opinion ment more to me than anyone elses, and it still does.

It's really hard to be candid when i know that so many people are going to be reading this within the next few days. and also because i dont know if it's fair to say his name and assume he ment anything he said, or even if he did say something that he ment it the way i inturpreted it. let's face it, we all know that deep down i'm a stupid sap.

I'm sorry if this is hard to understand. I'm crying right now, and slightly drained of emotion...

It's weird. I've always liked him... even before i really knew him. and then i got to know him and every time i saw him i liked him more and more. I mean, come on, he's cute, smart, funny, nice... but there was something more. and i still cant place it.

the other night, i told him i love him. and i ment it. I love this kid to pieces, everything about him just makes me smile. and... he said he loves me back.. i think.

the "and i you" comment pretty much is the same thing.

and then i posted yesterday's journal, because his away message sortof threw me off. and he messaged me while i was away with "I ment it all, and I retract nothing." and I DONT KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THAT.

jesus, we're states away. we'll never see each other. I think i've only hugged this kid once... and yet.. I miss him so much. and i have weird dreams about him. and I kindof just want to kiss him... or something... i dont know.

i think by writing this i'm pretty much fucking myself over for all eternity, but... in truth, if i had even the slightest chance, i'd break all my rules and date this kid in a heart beat, because he's just that special to me.

and as usual, i've done whatever it is i do to push people away, and now he's gone... and i'm still sitting here with tears streaming down my face trying to cover it up so that my roomates wont see what a sap i really am.

"i ment everything and i retract nothing." well... I do too... i just wish i knew better how to express it without scaring you away.

and i wish i knew how you feel too.