I saw Zachary tonight. and while we ackwnowledged each other, there was a feel of... emptiness. like we were strangers meeting each other for the first time, but we knew each others names... bodies... and needed no introduction.

he ment everything to me once. and then shortly after him, mark did too. they both still do. it's odd to see or hear about them. when the last thing i want to be doing is remembering that once i was happily involved with these people, and now they have piercings i didnt even know about or are moving to canada... shit. i dont know.

I wish i had no emotion. I wish i was cold inside. but i still remember how it felt when you held me. and i still remember how you asked me out. i can remember what your grandmother looks like with the red curtian of an opera house behind her and how you cried in your car when we left that day. I know what you got me for valentines day, even though we technically went together. I remember going camping with you and your family and playing air hockey at the arcade and kissing you for the first time in your room and holding your hand and loving you more than anything.

but it seems less special, because it's happened twice. and what happens if there's a next time? what happens if i fall in love again? is he going to hurt me too? is it even as good, because it's not first love? am i tainted because i've thought i loved before?

I dont know.

I know i want this other person though. and i dont know how to begin. and what's funny is it isnt even who everyone thinks it is. it's almost the least likely culprit.

but he's far away and i'm stuck at home and I'll just work past it because i'm sick of the drama and i'm sick of feeling. and i just want to be free.