"everything's back to normal." It's a prhase i've been hearing alot lately, and i know what they mean by saying it. and I want to scream at them for saying it. and i want to be one of the ones saying it.

It's been three weeks since my grammy died. three weeks of waking up and putting on a face and pretending like it dosent matter, when it does. I want to hide it, but honestly, i've been over sensitive, and even though i know, i cant change it. they say it's all part of the mourning process... that the numb feeling i have, combined with moments of extreem pain and this outer shell i cant fight is all normal.

But i've been through this. I've lost Kada and Kate and Lana and Natasha, and Dot and Nana M and Nana A and so many others... so why's this so hard? why is it that this time, i cant let go?

I dont say anything to anyone about it. i dont want to upset them. but i hate myself so much right now. I fall asleep and i'm ok, and then i wake up, knowing that in the last three days of her life, I avoided her room like she carried the plague. and i never got to say goodbye. and i never got to say I loved her.

and that's why i'm a bad person. Not because i ever lied, or because i'm overly dramatic. But because my grandmother was right there, for me to see, and touch and love... and i ignored her, because i was afraid.