This morning she woke me up at nine am to go shopping for presents for holidays i'll never celebrate, and tradations I'll never understand.
drill bits
sexy nightie
candy
a game.
these are things who's workings I will never understand. These are gifts I will never need to give.
As the day wore on, i found myself being falsely chipper. I found myself smoking twice as many ciggarettes as i normally do, And I found myself talking softly under my breath at all the mentions of "love" and "happiness" and "marrige" and "forever."
I dont even know if i'm going to eat tomorrow.
I dont even know if I'm going to live past next week.
these are just asumptions I make every morning.
Yes, I will eat today.
No, I will not die tomorrow.
I am not entirely sure how long forever is.Everything we do is for the future. I am getting a job today, so i will have money tomorrow. I am not eating today, so I will be thin tomorrow. I am buying this today so i can wear it tomorrow. I am saving up today so that i can go to college tomorrow. I am going to college tomorrow so that i can make money later, I am making money later so i can have a family someday. I am having a family someday so that I can be happy and "normal" and teach my children the same values society has tought me.
I dont understand why I'm fighting so hard to be happy tomorrow... when I'm not sure i'm happy today.