I have rarely in my life felt more unloved or rejected as i did this evening. it's number three, in my top three bad nights, i have to say.

Once, in high school, the people i concidered my best friends stood me up and all went to hang out together. I dont mean they just didnt call me. I mean they all lied to me, so they could go out and have a sierra free night. i knew. i called and told christine that i knew what they were up to. i sat on the phone with ivy for hours that night (this was before she was really a part of the "group") and told her i knew what was going on. their work was sloppy, you see, and i am not as dumb as everyone seems to think i am. Jen made the first mistake of asking me to go put the stuff in the car on the way home and staying and talking in the lobby, she started talking before i made it outside, and i have amazingly good hearing. the second mistake, was made by bethany because she went back inside the burger king that dennis worked at and told him to go to christines house instead of to mine that night, after he had already said he'd do somethign with me, and i left a note in hsi car to remind him... before then he had never broken his word to me. the third mistake was made by justin. he told his mom where he was going. and the last mistake, was made by jen and dennis, who told me that the movie they were talking about, Titus, was one they had seen in theatres a while before. that was the ball dropper. Titus had never been in theatres. I knew, because i had wanted to see it and it didnt come to our area. and, at christines the day after the incedent, i saw a copy of the tape that had been rented from the video store. I have never gotten over that night. Nor have i ever fully trusted or forgiven any of the parties involved... or anyone else, for that matter. i have learned to ignore the queezy feeling at the pit of my stomach when i'm around them, i still do love them, you see, and it wouldnt be right for me to walk away now, years after the fact.

the second bad moment on my list was the night zach dumped me. i dont know how to describe the hurt i went through or the anger i felt... and i'm not even going to try.

tonight, though out of context it was fun, has to be number three on my list of shitty nights. because i feel betrayed and untrusting again, and i hate that. I hate that a week ago she told me she didnt plan on moving out any time soon and tonight she and betsey were shopping for stuff for their appartment. I hate that i had to sit through four more hours of their little love fest with dan, sitting on the outside as fucking usual and never once feeling like i was wanted there. I hate that i had to fucking smile all god damned night while they avoided answering my question of "when did you decide to move in together?" I fucking hate that they ignored me in the car and in the store and in the diner. I hate that i'm the one one of the four who wasnt asked to be a bridesmaid. i hate that i'm the fat one, the ugly one. I hate that you blow me off like i'm stupid or what i say dosent matter and you get pissed if i dont listen to every word taht drops out of your presicious little red headed mouth. I hate that you lie to me in abstract ways and then look down on me for the things i did so many years ago. i hate that you didnt even catch on that i'm upset at you. i hate that everyone always pulls this shit and i'm the asshole who has to stay behind and pick up the pieces. I fucking hate that i still hold resentment for what happened to me in high school, but it's not really something that dosent leave scars. but whatever. i've come to a decision.

Dan Birch said to me, tonight, when i talked to him about the way i feel "the grass is always greener, sierra..." and, the thing is, it is. I've been there. and as soon as i get my car, i'll be going again, because i'm obviously not wanted or welcome here. i have a tent, i have a duffel bag and a sleeping bag that's good for twenty below.

the thing is, I know how to handle new situations. i can meet new people and i can adapt to anything i'm not used to when it's just me. I love the adventure of being by myself, of just being me...

But for some reason, i cant get these people who have known me for years to see me as anything but the odd, lost child they knew when we first met. I cant get them to stop treating me like i'm fifteen and depressed, like i'm crazy and stupid and crass and whatever else i used to be. and most of all, i cant get them to understand who i am now. and that's why i'm afraid of them.

that's why i cant stay here. that's why i have to go somewhere new. Somewhere New means new people who dont know what i was in high school. Somewhere New means people who dont know my story or my life. Somewhere New means no preassumed judgement or decision of how to "deal" with me.

Somewhere New means none of the bullshit "old friends" put you through without meaning to.

Somewhere New means I can be me.

because I like me. and none of you know who i really am anymore.